I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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