There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
