Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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