a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
