he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
