I cannot find my penis.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
