I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
