Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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