I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
