I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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