This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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