i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
