I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
