How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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