i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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