you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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