I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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