my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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