i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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