I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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