He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
