Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
