Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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