dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
