Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Threesome in a minivan. New low
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
