I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
