Betty ford says i'm here all night
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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