I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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