Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
