my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
