So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
