my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize