The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
There's always time for handjobs
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize