Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
