: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
