I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
