youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
