I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
