I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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