so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
