took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
