There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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