I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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