I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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