It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
