I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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