what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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