there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
