You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
