Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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