Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
