let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
