If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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